**here is another piece I wrote from an option.**
One of those feelings I hate is when you get your hopes up about somebody and then they bail out on you with no excuses. That really hurts. It is that quick jerk of the carpet being pulled out from under your feet and the sharp, painful smack of your head against the concrete floor. You thought that the carpet was solid, that it wasn’t going to go anywhere and you were ready for it to stay put. And then all of a sudden the carpet is gone and you hit your head and you are on your ass. Your head feels numb for a second and then you have this sense that there is something very wrong and then a wave of blood rushing. It’s rushing to where you hit your head and you’re saying “oh my god what just happened.” That is the worst part, the blood rushing and you’re thinking, “I have to get up before anybody sees me sitting here on my ass but my back hurts and I don’t know if I can move my legs yet and I can’t believe how much my head hurts.” But the pain of it isn’t the worst part, it is the surprise. It is the surprise and the humiliation and sitting on your ass on the concrete floor and not knowing exactly how you got there and not knowing whether or not you can get up just yet. You’re sitting there and knowing that someone is gonna walk by and ask you if you’re OK and they’ll want you to say “I’m fine thanks, go on with your business.” They’ll want you to say that you’re OK because they don’t really want to help. They just want to offer to help because then they can feel like they’re being a good person and not actually have to do any of the heavy lifting. That is humiliation. But really, that isn’t the worst part. The worst part is the tears because they come so fast, they come from so deep inside you with a big wave of “Goddammit, how could I be so fucking stupid. I knew this was going to happen.” That is the worst part. Sitting there on your ass with a lump on your head and a sore back and people watching you and feeling sorry but not being able to do anything for you and you feel really fucking stupid. That is the worst part. No matter how many times it happens, you’re never ready for it.
12 February 2005
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4 comments:
I like this one -- a lot! Hope it does not come from recent experience...
I think this is one of those feelings that you have when people disappoint you. Unfortunately, it is recent and also familiar from past stuff. *bleaugh* This is how I get yucky feelings out of my system - by writing about them.
Writing is often my therapy.
I'm familiar with the feeling you described. People have disappointed me so many times in my life that I have learned to rely on myself above all else. Some people call it cynicism. I call it independence.
Thanks for your comment, April. I like to remember that I'm the one I have to wake up with for the rest of my life, so independence in all things is vital.
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